Not as Easy as It Looks

This is just the mindless ramblings of a college graduate (double major in political science and criminal justice) and her attempts to join the United States military. You better start here...

27 June 2006

Finding MY Place

"This is the sucky part of growing up - finding your place."
My mom


I broke down at the gym. I walked in, asked my boss when he needed me to come in on Thursday (he needs some extra help), and then he told me he was hiring someone else and giving him some of MY hours. Now, mind you, this wouldn't be much of a concern if I got, say, more than twenty hours a week. But I don't. 16-17 hours max a week. And lemme tell you, the pay ain't so great. I walked away from my boss. Whatever. Fucker. Hopped on the elliptical and about 15 minutes into it, I think I started having a panic attack. Blah. It got hard to breath (it wasn't the elliptical, either) and I just wanted to cry. I seriously feel like my life is falling apart, bit by bit. After about 30 minutes on the elliptical, I left. I went to my grandma's grave and cried. Still crying.

I honestly feel like I don't have a place in this world. I feel like a failure. I feel lost and alone and afraid. I feel like a burden to those around me. I don't feel like being awake...fuck...this...shit.

11 Comments:

  • At 27 June, 2006 18:43, Blogger Unknown said…

    First,I have not read every one of your entries BUT...

    Focus. I don't see a clear idea of what you really truly want.

    It is almost as if you are a victim and are looking for a rescuer.

    I also wonder if you are depressed and need some medical attention--(could be a residual of the supplements that you used to help you lose the weight.)

    I don't understand the part where you will only accept a certain job (psyops) in the Army but then turn around and test for border patrol. Border patrol has psyops positions?

    With a polysci/crimjust degree (the philosophy part is good for conversation in bars over pretzels and beer), wouldn't jobs in the military like MP, civil affairs, or intel be more appropriate.

    Bottom line--wherever you work you will start at the bottom and will have to prove yourself every step of the way--sometimes many times over.

     
  • At 28 June, 2006 00:54, Blogger JL said…

    I gotta admit that I agree with bec. You don't seem to be very consistent. You told me that you would like to be an investigator such as a police detective but you don't think you can deal with being a street cop.

    This confuses me because the Border Patrol doesn't offer much investigative potential that I know of.

    Also, you were very hard core about the Army but you have turned around and become hard core about the Marines instead?

    I partially understand because you are young and don't know what to do with your life. I felt the same way at your age. The possibilities were so endless that it seemed overwhelming.

    Sit down and decide a path. Can't get in the Army? Well it may be time to move on. Want to be an investigator? Look at local law enforcement as a start. They are screaming for smart motivated young folks. If you like it, you can promote to detective. If you don't, use it on your resume and apply for a federal job.

     
  • At 28 June, 2006 14:38, Blogger SuGaRBuTT said…

    I'm trying to get into the Army as a PSYOP Specialist. UNTIL then, to keep my options open, I'm applying for other jobs. I've given myself a deadline of the end of September to get into the Army, after that, I'll look at other options, of which, there are many. It's clear in my head, just hard for me to express, apparently. Sorry for the confusion.

     
  • At 28 June, 2006 16:39, Blogger Strong_R_King said…

    Keep Your head up. There's a place for you.

    SK

    Hit me on the email gnc_king@yahoo.com

     
  • At 28 June, 2006 17:37, Blogger SuGaRBuTT said…

    There you are!!!!

     
  • At 29 June, 2006 20:07, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Well I would have to agree with bec also. I was 28 single parent and joined the Army. I hadnt done anything but sit on my ass for seven years and I was over weight and depressed and thought I need to better myself and joined the Army. What a great move that was. I read your blog from time to time and all I can tell is that u want a self made pity party. It is always feel sorry for me wether you want it to seem that way or not. You say you are a strong woman then why dont you show yourself just how strong you are. Don't keep telling us you are strong we don't care. If you can't prove it to yourself then you will never prove it to anyone else. There are ways around the weight portion of the army and if your recruiter isn't showing you then go to a different station if you can. I wish you the best as I got everything I needed out of the Army and it made me a much better and happier person.

     
  • At 30 June, 2006 08:06, Blogger SuGaRBuTT said…

    I thought long and hard before posting the above comments, but I figured, why the fuck not? If I weren't an atheist, I'd say something along the lines of "Only God can judge me," but screw that. I think in all honestly, I'm greatful for crypto's frankness and honesty, simply because he was a recruiter...granted, I still don't believe that going to college was a waste of my time or a way for me to avoid reality.

    Secondly, this is my freakin' blog people. If I wanna whine, I can do that!! And since I'm not exactly a vocal person in real life (except to poor Randy on our rollerblading excursions), I figured this would give me a place to vent a little. Yeah, I go from point to point with no real...point, but still...it's my freakin' blog.

     
  • At 30 June, 2006 11:41, Blogger SC said…

    Rant all you want. It's good for you. Better to do it here than in a clock tower.

     
  • At 30 June, 2006 11:48, Blogger SuGaRBuTT said…

    ...did I ever mention the time one of my PoliSci profs told me that I'm the type of person he can see up in a clock tower somewhere with a gun, ready to pick people off?? True story.

    ...I'm a little obsessive about stuff, apparently. I think he was waiting for me to break.

     
  • At 01 July, 2006 02:15, Blogger ElimiNate said…

    Hey, I think YOU ROCK!!! Focus on a goal and GO FOR IT! Don't get discouraged! Visualise yourself in those sharp new ACU's and imagine how proud you'll be when you get to wear them. Dont give yourself a deadline for a dream!!! I'm 29 and out of shape, but I've always wanted to know wether or not I had the guts to be an SF soldier, and wether I make it or not I'll at least be able to say I tried. NEVER QUIT!!!!!

     
  • At 14 September, 2006 11:34, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hi there,
    I just caught up on some of your entries... psyops is a field that you can't get right into, however, the Army needs HUMINT people like mad. When you get in, even with a degree, you'll still be an E-4 (which can be pretty close to the bottom in some places). Keep in mind not to get discouraged when you have to do stuff like KP and clean latrines and deal with a lot of less mature individuals on the way. That won't even be just in the training environment either.

    But, I also wanted to let you know that the Army just changed the weight and tape requirements!!! First change since 1987. Depending on your height and age, female get from 5-19 more pounds allowed. The tape sites are neck, waist and hips now. You can go to the USAPA website, look at Army publications (AR 600-9)for the specifics, or get a recruiter to do a "courtesy tape" on you with the new rules. Especially since you have been going to the gym so diligently, it may make a huge difference. Good luck!

    (P.S) Even if you decide not to do the Army thing, there are a ton of government jobs out there that your degree would help qualify you for. The big question is if you want to relocate to the Washington D.C. area. Then, the other big question is... do you have anything in your history that would disqualify you for a high level security clearance. Basically, lots of people join the military, get a little bit of experience and the clearance and then they go get the civ. gov. job which doesn't have toilet cleaning and deployments without showers. But, if you know how to get started in the process of getting a clearance, you can skip the military getting it for you. I am just pointing out that the military is not the only way to get into the fields. It is definitely a way to get your foot in the door. As a military person, it is likely that you will work with lots of civilians. They cannot talk to you about job offers while you are still on active duty, but they DO notice who are the bums and who are the superstars. You become the "known quantity" and that is always good in the hiring process.

    Sue

     

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