Where'd I Go??

"Seriously, you have put forth so much more than anyone I have ever met. When you do get in, you will go far. People with your drive and discipline are the ones who make a difference."
My friend John

This is from my MySpace blog, which is nowhere as cool as this one is.

Prepare for a vent...

It's one of those days when I don't even know why I bothered getting up. I got on the scale today and was not happy. At all. I'm smart enough to know what I need to do (eat more and eat more frequently) but too stubborn to do it (well, if I eat more, I'll gain more weight...if I cut my carbs, I won't have the energy to run...etc etc etc...). I feel stuck right now. I have no purpose in my life, other than Friday, Sunday, and Wednesdays when I'm actually expected to be somewhere. And even with that, I'm replaceable. I'm 22 years old, I have a college degree - but no experience in anything - and I live with my dad. I've spent the last couple years trying to do something with my life (namely, serve my country), but even that doesn't want to come to frutation because I'm too 'fat' or 'overweight' or some other stupid means that the military uses to determine whether one is 'fit' for service. It doesn't matter to them that when I'm actually motivated to train right, I can run a sub-8:30 mile (sure, not exactly great, but I'd love to see what the average entry-level female enlistee's run time is...) and knock out 25 pushups in a minute. *sigh* But, because I don't weigh less than 160 lbs or measure under 36% body fat (according to Army standards, which are completely arcane and pointless...christ, learn to use calipers!), then I must not be 'fit.' I used to love working out; now it's a chore I dread. I used to love running, but not anymore. Trying to fit into someone else's mold has ripped apart who I am. It goes against everything I stand for, yet it's what I want. Explain that one to me! Explain how I, Chelsea Rider, love to do things that set me apart in some way, but at the same time want to do nothing more with my life than join an organization whose training focuses on, among other things, beating the individual out of you. It's like everywhere I turn, there's a brick wall in my way...I keep trying to tell myself, "Nothing worthwhile in life is easy," but honestly, does it have to wreak this much havoc on my life? I should be happy, but I'm not.

I'm beginning to lose my patience with myself, more than anything. I want the girl I was last summer, when I would be at the gym EVERY day, trainin' my little heart out...LOVED working out. Could run 5 miles easily, with energy still left in me to Spin for 80 minutes afterwards. Those were the best workouts. And now, the only motivation I can find in the mornings is to get up and turn my alarm off at 0415 then crawl back in bed. This past week, I worked out twice, with two half-assed workouts thrown in for good measure. I've had to work all week, and all I wanna do when 1400 comes around is crawl into bed and sleep. So I do. And sleep some more. I try to surround myself with motivating things, but it doesn't help. I'm reverting to old ways, which is never good.

Wow. That was long. I'm sorry. It's just one of those days when I question my own purpose for getting up anymore. Yuck.