Not a Good Sign

“The voice of intelligence...is drowned out by the roar of fear. It is ignored by the voice of desire. It is contradicted by the voice of shame. It is biased by hate and extinguished by anger. Most of all it is silenced by ignorance.”
Karl Menninger

Okay...I dunno what my deal is this morning, but I've been hit with a bit of trepidation when it comes to this whole Army thing...Lately, I've been coming down with fevers every other night or so, and I can't figure out why...Possibly the diet I'm on? I wonder what kind of damage I'm doing to my health. I no longer enjoy working out...In fact, I dread it...I dread waking up in the morning because it just means I gotta step on that scale and see where my weight is at today...That itself can ruin a whole day...So it's gotten me thinking that maybe joining the military isn't such a great move on my part. I don't know. A big part of me wants to - I want to do something good with my life, something I can be proud of...however, at the same time, I want to be able to be healthy and alive to enjoy the merits of my work. I mean, for the past 2 years, I've basically been planning on going into the Army, but if I don't, then what? Do I revert back to my old goals of becoming a lawyer?

I think in the end, my biggest fear is that if I don't do this, I'll be seen as a quitter, a failure, someone who gives up when the going gets tough...That's why, when I read Mr. Menniger's quote in my file, I felt compelled to post. Has the voice of intelligence in my life been taken away by one of those things - fear, desire, shame, hate, anger, ignorance? Fear that if I don't do this, I'll regret it somehow or fail at it? Desire to do something good with my life that for some reason I feel can only be accomplished in the military? Shame of what others would think of me for quitting, giving up? Hate...okay, I don't know how this one fits in here. Anger towards myself for not being strong enough to buck up and take it like a soldier would? Ignorance of the real harm I'm doing to myself, physically and emotionally?

What's a girl to do? I know I could talk to my recruiter about this, but I'm scared that he'll freak out on me...I really don't know where this is coming from, but I have a pretty good idea...

I'm just sitting here in front of my computer crying because I feel so...lost.