Cracking Like an Easter Egg

“Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible is not a fact. It's an opinion. Impossible is not a declaration. It's a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary. Impossible is nothing.”
adidas Commercial

One of my favorite advertising campaigns EVER.

Anyway...I don't know why but these past few months have just been rough as hell. Maybe it's because I didn't ship when I should have and I'm punishing myself for that...Maybe all these years (yes, plural) that I've spent trying to get my 'tape-busting ass' into the military are wearing on me...All I know is that the other day, I was about to crack. I woke up unmotivated to do anything but go back to bed. So I did. I see my reflection and think, "Fuck, I'm not working out hard enough or long enough!" when I know I probably do more in ONE DAY than most people do in a week...heck! A MONTH! I wake up every day wondering where I am in my life and what I'm doing. I started to seriously question my decision to join...

...then I realized that was stupid. The highest goal I have in life is to serve my country. That's ALL I want to do. Okay, okay, not all, but it's the next step in my own plan for myself. Everyone tells me I'm persistent. In fact, my dad told me this morning that he and my boss were talking about just how persistent I am. My boss has told me he admires that in me...My dad and I both know the truth - I'm just too damn stubborn to give up on something. What I'm about to say is going to sound arrogant as hell, but it really shouldn't...I know that there is nothing that life can throw at me that will stop me from accomplishing all I want in life. I know this is because I'm stubborn. I don't give up. Ever. The only thing that will stop me from reaching all my goals (some very lofty ones, at that) is my own death. For example, I have a goal of running both the Dublin and Marine Corps Marathons (not in the same year, because they're held the same day)...Let's say I get sent to Iraq and some IED blows my leg off or I'm shot and have to have it amputated. So? Protesthics work wonders nowadays. I will die having finished a marathon - at any cost. That's just how I am. I refuse to believe that anyTHING or anyONE will stop me.

So what brings about this rant?? A recent email by a dear friend who complimented me, and told me basically to forget what Army regulations say - I am who I am, and I guess who I am happens to be pretty damn good. Blah. I felt I had to explain why I'm often very down on myself...So here is my response:

"...I don't like guys thinking I have all these guys crawling all over me to get a chance with me...I mean, sure, there ARE guys, but hardly any that meet my criteria. I'm not a normal 22-year old female...I have goals and schedules and all this other stuff that most guys can't understand. I hate Michigan and all these guys seem to think they can change my mind and get me to stay and forego what I want in life...Hell, one of my friends today was telling me how in love with me he is and I felt like shit because I had to tell him the feelings weren't the same...He's not going to leave Michigan again (he's a PS Marine)...Seems to think that maybe someday we'll be together, but I just don't see it...Few guys appreciate what I want to do with my life, or understand it...That's why I love talking to you...Sometimes I feel bad because I blab on and on about how fat I am and all that...There are days when I honestly believe it and then days when it's how my recruiter/standards make me feel. I will never be a beanpole, and I don't wish to be...I like looking athletic and not anorexic...Hell, when I was down between 155-165, my dad told me flat out I looked anorexic because my body simply isn't built to be that way...I like lifting weights and running and being active...It's something that, until a few years ago, was NEVER a part of my life...I can remember being younger, like middle school age, and wishing I was smaller so I could someday serve. But did I do anything about it? No. Instead, I ate and ate and ate. I should have spoke up, asked my parents for help or something, but they had another problem to deal with - my sister did, and still does, suffer from depression (and I think a bit of hypochondria) and other afflictions. I've never wanted to be a burden on my parents, and I'd love to get into more detail, but there are things (undiagnosed) that I've dealt with in my life that, had my parents known or pushed for treatment, would DQ me from enlisting. As I've matured, I've outgrown most of that stuff. But I don't think I'll ever have a normal sense of self-esteem until I'm actually doing SOMETHING with my life that I can finally be proud of doing. I mean, I look back at all I've accomplished and think that I HAVE done stuff to be proud of...Hell, at one point I weighed over 250 pounds...I graduated high school third in my class and was given a full-tuition scholarship to school...I managed to get a double major and a minor in FOUR years and keep my grades high enough to allow me to graudate summa cum laude (highest honors)...But none of that, NONE OF IT, can equal the pride I felt that day I raised my hand and took the Oath of Enlistment. I want that feeling back. It kills me that it's so hard. But it's a goal, and I've been raised to always reach my goals, to do what I want because I CAN do it. I know there are a lot of people (my parents included) who don't understand, no matter how much I try to explain it, why I want to serve...why I go through so much to ENLIST. In the ARMY. They all have different plans for me, but none of them are right for what I want. There's a lot I want to do with my life - first and foremost on that list is to serve my country. *sigh*

I think I went off on a tangent there...in fact, I'm not sure if that's even an appropriate response to your email...haha...I guess what I'm getting at is, regardless of what most people will tell me, I still have my past and Army regulations telling me another thing, and it's hard as hell for me to look in the mirror and see what other people see. Instead, I see the girl I used to be or the girl who sits at about 38% body fat, even though I KNOW I'm not at that percentage..."

...I really think I'm out of things to say. Besides, there's a hockey game on TV...and while I'm neither a Flyers nor a Rangers fan, who cares!? IT'S HOCKEY!!