Not as Easy as It Looks

This is just the mindless ramblings of a college graduate (double major in political science and criminal justice) and her attempts to join the United States military. You better start here...

30 June 2006

For Shits and Giggles

I can't believe this shit:
You gotta see this!!

...I'll blog more later, maybe.

27 June 2006

Finding MY Place

"This is the sucky part of growing up - finding your place."
My mom


I broke down at the gym. I walked in, asked my boss when he needed me to come in on Thursday (he needs some extra help), and then he told me he was hiring someone else and giving him some of MY hours. Now, mind you, this wouldn't be much of a concern if I got, say, more than twenty hours a week. But I don't. 16-17 hours max a week. And lemme tell you, the pay ain't so great. I walked away from my boss. Whatever. Fucker. Hopped on the elliptical and about 15 minutes into it, I think I started having a panic attack. Blah. It got hard to breath (it wasn't the elliptical, either) and I just wanted to cry. I seriously feel like my life is falling apart, bit by bit. After about 30 minutes on the elliptical, I left. I went to my grandma's grave and cried. Still crying.

I honestly feel like I don't have a place in this world. I feel like a failure. I feel lost and alone and afraid. I feel like a burden to those around me. I don't feel like being awake...fuck...this...shit.

22 June 2006

"I Feel a Big Blog Coming On!"

"When women are good at what they do, they are not characterized as assertive. They are accused of being ballbusters or bitches. This is a struggle that is magnified in the military because it is still such a male environment – a weird little microcosm of society on steroids."
Kayla Williams, Love My Rifle More Than You (278)


Okay...first off...I found my next car...holy fuck, it's hot...I've seen 'em around town and I want my own!! Say hello to the Dodge Charger SRT8:



6.1L Hemi V8...425 HP...420 ft/lb of torque...mmm...if I were a guy, I'd...nevermind. Moving on...

...I spent a week as an engaged woman. Then I changed my mind (typical female, eh??). I mean, Mike's a great guy and all, but I don't think our relationship is solid enough yet to get married. I mean, that's a lifelong commitment that I'm just not ready for!! He's into God, I'm into...uh...no God? Our communication styles are different. He's in the Air Force...getting stationed in MISSOURI. My job in the Army will station me at Ft. Bragg, NORTH CAROLINA. I've never been the type of girl to want to be the perfect wifey/mother...it's always been about my career. We're just...different. Plus, we only dated for a little bit (and I mean little) before he left for the Air Force. I haven't seen him since April 4th.

Anyway, I got a phone call from my Army recruiter this morning. I kinda looked at my phone like, "What the fuck??" We chatted for a bit...he asked where I'd been...I asked if he normally forgets to return phone calls...haha...I'm going in sometime next week to see him...Kinda renewed my motivation. It was a much needed phone call...

...but I guess Randy took that to mean I needed my ass kicked. So, HE decided going to the ten-mile marker wasn't enough...oh nooo...Onward to the eleven-mile marker! Sure, it's only two miles more (round trip, dude), but damn...that's still a killer...so, twenty-two miles. TWENTY-TWO. I was seriously feelin' like shit towards the five-mile marker on the way back. And I turned into a major bitch (Sorry Randy!!)...and I started getting a cramp in my stomach. I just whine too much. Thanks a lot Randy...He's become my financial adviser, love guru, and now personal trainer. I should pay him. Should. Hahah...

That's kinda all that's been going on. OH! I took the test for the Border Patrol on Tuesday. Needless to say, I'm glad I studied. I was done with the Artifical Language portion of the test in 45 minutes...and I had rechecked it in that time period. I had an hour left to just SIT THERE. Blah!! I thought I was going to go insane. Dunno how I did, dunno when I'll find out...I'll letch'all know...

14 June 2006

Metaphorical Basketball with My Face

Just an FYI...Randy and I did get to see a fawn due to my playing basketball with my face on the pavement...metaphorically speaking of course...it wasn't a big deal to me, but apparently it was to him.

Pavement is NOT a Food Group

"There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, 'Yes, I've got dreams, of course...'. Then they put the box away...It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dremas on the line, to hold them up and say, 'How good or bad am I?' That's where courage comes from."
Erma Bombeck


So I was really trying to find this other quote I thought I had somewhere, but I couldn't find it...I went looking through an old notebook from high school that I wrote a buncha quotes in...that was not a trip down Memory Lane I wanted to take right now. I was not in a good place and memories of that did not to be resurfaced right now. Moving on...I was trying to find that stupid quote about judging a person's character not by how many times they fall, but how many times they get back up...which is relevant...

Randy and I went blading yesterday. I was tired and worn out, so we only went out to the five-mile marker and back. Now, most people would find this a sufficient workout, but Randy kindly reminded me that it was only half of what we did Sunday. Fucker. Yeah, we bladed out to the ten-mile marker. That was fun. Hah. Anywayyyy...On our way back to our cars, we were talking about something...I don't remember what, exactly...I think I had mentioned how I don't want to live past retirement. Randy said something about me not wanting to be surrounded by my huge, loving family when I'm 80, and then - WHAM! My face met pavement. It was one of those "Fuck." moments. I kinda rolled over and sat there trying to decide whether it hurt - it really didn't - and whether to cry or laugh. I did both. I was laughing because I'm sure it was hilarious to watch. I was a little pissed because I didn't get to see it. I give Randy props for not laughing his ass off, because I know I would have!! I was crying because, well, it just seemed metaphorical, kinda. Like my life is about to come crashing down, just like me. My life is just a mess right now, with everything that is and isn't going on in it. It's not going how I planned it to go, dammit!! And that I do not like. I'm a perfectionist (in a sense) and very particular about how I want my life going. So for it to NOT be going as I planned is seriously throwing my life off of balance. I'm waiting for my metaphorical face to hit the metaphorical pavement here anytime now. I was also a little upset that there wasn't as much blood as there should have been. Just a scrape on my forehead. I thought I woulda broken a tooth or my nose, but nooo...no such luck! I'm a tough cookie, I guess. I really don't know how it happened either. It just did. Hah. Klutz. =)

You can hardly tell:


I know, I know. I whine a lot. It's my blog, I can whine if I wanna!!

07 June 2006

I Realized I Was Happy and It Scared Me


"I Realized I Was Happy and It Scared Me"
Rich Ives

Something had to have been here before me
for here to be here, so sometimes
I say I'd like a little silence,

to see if I can discover what it was,
but what I really want is quiet, in which
you hear just a few things

better, which is not silence,
in which you hear one thing
Again and again and again

and it's not even there.


(This was Slate's weekly poem, and something about it hit me...replace "Happy" with "Growing Up"...)

06 June 2006

Oh, For Fuck's Sakes!

Lemme just clear something up, because I tend to be a bit touchy...

I AM STILL PLANNING ON JOINING THE MILITARY AT SOME POINT.


However, if you LIVED IN FUCKING MICHIGAN, you'd understand my desire to get the hell up on outta here...which is what I'm trying to do by finding a real job. I mean, I've spent the past two years working a job that, while I love it, has nothing to do with my degree, and frankly does not provide me with enough hours/wages to live off of...

So after spending all this time avoiding the real world (I'm rolling my eyes right, you just can't tell), I figured it was time to get my feet wet. I don't feel that I spent my time in college avoiding the real world...it's a means to an end...I was given an opportunity to get a four-year degree FREE OF CHARGE. Like I'm going to pass that up. Grr...I'm going to bed.

Oh Geezus...

"Growing up leads to growing old and then to dying and dying to me don't sound like all that much fun."
The Authority Song (Sent to me by Randy in an email)

Yeah, I know...over a week and I haven't posted...I'm sure y'all missed me, right? Mmhmm...

I had a new revelation this past week: I am not ready to grow up yet!! It seems like all these things that grown ups do are starting to happen to me!!! ME!!! *sigh* Jobs...credit cards...marriage!?!? Oh man, oh man...I am not ready for this shit...My mom gave me some money to get some stuff at Staples (resume paper, printer cartridge, portfolio thingy, etc etc - grown up stuff), and I almost broke down...haha...I was kneeling on the floor looking at portfolios and this guy came over to ask if I needed help with anything...I wanted to ask if he'd grow up for me...but I just asked if they had any more printer cartridges...which, apparently, they did and I just TOTALLY missed the one I was looking for...but I swear there were none over there when I looked...!! Anyway, been putting together a resume for a federal job (which means I hafta follow the format outlined in OF 510) and it's just boring. My resume makes me look...blah. The quals for the job are basically good grades...that's it...and preferrably a degree in my area...so, yay...but I feel like I need something that sets me apart from all the other CJ/PoliSci majors that graduated summa cum laude...yuck. I live a sheltered, sheltered life. I made mention that I've been taking classes through FEMA's National Emergency Training Center, but I dunno if that will matter since it's not TOO relevant to the job. My dad is trying to hook me up with a spot with the county as a reserve Deputy...that MIGHT help. MIGHT. Plus, I get to carry a gun.

Let's see...what else...oh...under the wise advisement of my financial advisor, Randy, I decided to apply for a credit card. It's not something I will ever use much, but just something to build up my credit. I'm 22 years old and I don't own a credit card. Apparently that's weird. But there's a reason! I know I would have been irresponsible with it. The more I think about it though, the more I realize this may help me right now because I'm sure there will be expenses related to these jobs I've been applying for that having a credit card will help with. Like, travel. *sigh* I really don't want one though...my deciding factor on which card to get: I could get a Colorado Avalanche card. Haha...I'm a dork, but I love my Avs!!

Oh. I also threw away six years of vegetarianism and started eating chicken. Just chicken. No seafood, no red meat, no pork. Chicken. I figured SOMETHING in my diet has to change, so maybe I'll give the low-carb thing a go...although I still feel guilty eating meat. Such is life, eh?? I'm a bad, bad person. Poor chickens!!!

Geez...I feel like there should be more going on in my life, but there really isn't Same shit, different day. Gym...home...gym...home...rollerblade with Randy...home...gym...blah. You get the picture. Which is why I'm trying desperately to get out of here. I have no life here. There's little intellectual stimulation for me...which is why I enjoy rollerblading with Randy. It's one of the few times I have conversations with people that go beyond, "Shouldn't you be gone by now" or something related to the gym/fitness/etc...Granted, talking to Randy I sometimes realize how little of an education I really got...I would love to know more about certain things...but I just don't have the attention span anymore to learn about them...I mean, I would if it weren't for the fact that once I start researching stuff, I dive headfirst into it, and end up wanting to look at 20 books on the subject and about 50 articles or something...helped me a lot in college (profs were impressed by my extensive research), but now it just bugs the hell outta me. *sigh* Oh well...

Anyway...I have chicken in the oven that I better go check on...