The Calm AFTER the Storm

“If you always put limits on yourself and the things you can do, physical or anything, you might as well be dead. It will spread into your work, your morality, your entire being. There are no limits, only plateaus. But then you must not stay there. You must go beyond them. If it kills you, it kills you.”
Bruce Lee

Okay...things have calmed down a bit...I talked to my recruiter yesterday and he's not upset with me, but apparently the station commander isn't exactly happy about me not signing...He seems to think he put in a bunch of work to get me to where I am now...He wasn't the one busting his ass to lose weight...He wasn't the one that had to deal with his father's accusations that he's anorexic...He wasn't the one that had to deal with comments like, "Your skinny as death! Is that what the Army wants!?" Apparently it is...I mean, everyone else outside of the recruiting office has been so supportive and has told me I've done the right thing but not signing for a job I didn't want...Even people in the Army! So right now I'm just waiting until I go down again next week...I keep dropping weight, which I hafta be careful of because if I drop more than six pounds, I'll get disqualified for losing too much weight too fast...Now wouldn't that be something! The first time I went down there, I was DQ'd for weighing too much and by the third time I'm getting DQ'd for losing too much...Apparently they don't understand concepts like "water weight" or anything...Blah...Oh well...I means I don't hafta be AS strict with my diet this week as I was before I went last time...yay...hehe...I must say that those days following the MEPS trip were great...hehe...I don't think I had an actual "home-cooked" meal from Thursday night to Saturday afternoon...I enjoyed pasta, pizza, Mexican food, ice cream and pancakes...hehe...And yet I weigh less NOW than before MEPS...It's amazing how the body works...

Anyway...I've been doing some research and now have a list of 5 jobs that I'm willing to sign for...I should really look for more, but I've tried, and I just can't find something out of the 212 jobs the Army offers that I might be interested in...I don't really wanna do an admin job, either...God I wish I were male so I could go be a Airborne Ranger!! HOOAH! HIGHSPEED! Hehe...anyway...If any of y'all have any job advice, drop me a line! AIM (ArmyBrat97b) or Yahoo! (wannabesoldier83)...

Have a great day!

Will I Ever Give Up??

"Those who expect to reap the blessing of freedom must, like men, undergo the fatigue of supporting it."
Thomas Paine

Well, let's see...I went down to Chicago on Tuesday, and processed on Wednesday...BUT...ran into a big, fucking wall...

I passed everything finally...weight...body fat...all that bullshit...My hardwork finally paid off...I could finally fuckin' enlist in the damn Army...

But...went in to talk to a job counselor...He asked me what I wanted to do, and I told him 97B/E...Apparently, he couldn't find me a slot for training...Said there was a slot for 98Y...Didn't want that job, refused to sign for it...I kept getting told by the counselors and my own recruiters told me to take it then reclass for the job I wanted once I was in...I wanted to scream, "DO YOU THINK I'M FUCKING STUPID!?! ONCE I SIGN THAT, THERE AIN'T SHIT Y'ALL CAN DO IF YOU DON'T WANT TO!!" I was so pissed...I got treated like I was an idiot who was throwing away a some great opportunity...Bullshit...My recruiter's boss told me there's nothing he can do to help me until I sign that contract...I was down in MEPS without my recruiter or anything, so there was nothing I was going to do at that time unless they came up with a slot for the job I wanted...My recruiters dropped the ball, I was unprepared for the possibility that the MOS I wanted wouldn't be available...In fact, I was under the impression that I would, with my qualifications, have no problem getting the MOS...Blah...Apparently, I'm going back on the 4th to try again...Hopefully, a slot will open up, but this time I have backup MOSs that I'm willing to sign for...Thanks, in no part, to my own recruiters...But I know other recruiters and they've been helping me because they think what happened was bullshit...Blah...It's so frustrating!! I literally worked my ass off to get to that point, and I was not going to settle for anything less than what I wanted...*sigh*

Help!!

Four Days

“I assess the power of a will by how much resistance, pain, and torture it endures and knows how to turn to its advantage.”
Friedrich Nietzsche

I know, I know...another Nietzche quote...deal with it...hehe...

Anyway...I have four days (Today, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday) before I head to MEPS again. Tomorrow is my 68-day anniversary...hehe...In other words, 68 days ago I was DQ'd because I'm just too fat...lol...rightttt...This morning at the gym, one of the regulars, who loves to greet me with "Whaddup bitch!," told me I was wasting away - "Do they want you under 100lbs or what!?" I laughed...Not even close...

But yeah, I went into to see my recruiter yesterday and I was still technically over...All I need to do is drop like 3 pounds and beef up my forearms (probably doable), wrists (not likely), and neck (I'll try, I guess...)...I feel like a total slug today becaues I didn't go run this morning...It was cold and rainy, and I only ate about 800 calories yesterday; my body just wasn't up for a 4-miler this morning...Hell, it was almost useless for me to go at all...My alarm went off at 0430, but I got up to shut it off and crawl back into bed (since the weather was crappy, I didn't need to be out early to run)...But my dad's stupid, fucking wife was up getting ready for work, slamming cupboards shut...for like, 20 minutes, all I heard was "SLAM!"...I was so close to going downstairs and slamming her face into one of the cupboards...Goddamn trailer trash bitch...Geezus christ...She throws temper tantrums for no good reason, and it's always inevitably my fault...She hates that I rank higher than she does in my dad's life...HELLO! I'm his daughter...Anywayyyy...I basically went to the gym for an hour, came back home, slept for an hour, had breakfast, crawled back into bed and read (Once a Runner by J. Parker)...I finished The Warrior Elite Wednesday...God that book made me wanna be a SEAL...damn gender restrictions...oh well...

So yeah, here I am...just waiting for these four days to pass by...hoping I drop those three pounds...I'm taking three types of laxatives (gross, I know...but, like Larry the Cable Guy says, "GIT 'ER DUN!"...a diuretic...and eating under 1000 calories a day...Not fun...I have no energy for anything else...Hell, I'm in bed by 2000-2030 most nights just waiting for sleep to overtake me...The Army should just let me in based on pure dedication alone...Seriously...I'm college-educated and in shape...so I don't meet some damn, arachic standards, big fuckin' deal...I'm not gonna die of a heart attack or anything during BCT...I have under 22% body fat, but according to the Army, I have over 35%...Seriously...Whatever...Yet still I push for this...God I am S-T-U-B-B-O-R-N!! If I can get through this shit, BCT should be no problem...hehe...I know how far my body can go...blah...

Anywayyyy...I think I'm done with my rant for the day...Ya know, reading my journal, someone might think I have bipolar or something...One day, I'm all "HOOAH" for the Army...the next day, I'm bitching about it...I pray that things change once I get in...My recruiter told me yesterday, "I cannot wait until you pick your job so you're done putting up with this BS!" Yeah, me too...

On a small side note, check out the Recruiter's blog in my links...It's really interesting to see things from the other side of this process...Makes me wonder what my recruiter calls me when I'm not around...Although, I'm in that damn office so much, they all know me by name...hehe...

Two steps forward...

"Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent. Genius will not: unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated failures. PERSISTENCE and DETERMINATION ALONE are OMNIPOTENT."
Calvin Coolidge.

Mornin' y'all...well, I just got back from my morning run and cardio session at the gym, and I must say that I feel great...A lot better than the other day when I posted...My run time was better than normal, and the run itself seemed a lot easier than in the past...It's a good li'l 3.75 mile path with some small hills and turns and stuff...good to do at 0500...Then I went and did another hour of cardio at the gym, since I run the block right outside of it...I just feel refreshed! I guess sometimes it takes a li'l perspective in order to make sure that you're going in the right direction with your life, eh?? I guess the other day was my "one step back" in this whole journey...I must say I'm still scared about the whole thing, but I guess that's to be expected. I mean, joining the military is a big committment, and people have told me they'd be worried if I wasn't scared...I know that I'll do fine during Basic and I think I'll really enjoy the military lifestyle...Granted, I know there are things about the civilian world that I'll miss...Oh well, such is the price...

Anyway, I have eight more days until I can go back to MEPS...I'm kinda nervous about making weight and everything...I should be fine...No, I take that back, I will be fine. I will get everything I want and walk outta that MEPS building finally with some closure in my life...hehe...I really should ask my recruiter what exactly I can get in my contract, although I know I've asked him that a thousand times...Just gotta keep him on his toes...

Alright y'all...it's breakfast time...

Not a Good Sign

“The voice of intelligence...is drowned out by the roar of fear. It is ignored by the voice of desire. It is contradicted by the voice of shame. It is biased by hate and extinguished by anger. Most of all it is silenced by ignorance.”
Karl Menninger

Okay...I dunno what my deal is this morning, but I've been hit with a bit of trepidation when it comes to this whole Army thing...Lately, I've been coming down with fevers every other night or so, and I can't figure out why...Possibly the diet I'm on? I wonder what kind of damage I'm doing to my health. I no longer enjoy working out...In fact, I dread it...I dread waking up in the morning because it just means I gotta step on that scale and see where my weight is at today...That itself can ruin a whole day...So it's gotten me thinking that maybe joining the military isn't such a great move on my part. I don't know. A big part of me wants to - I want to do something good with my life, something I can be proud of...however, at the same time, I want to be able to be healthy and alive to enjoy the merits of my work. I mean, for the past 2 years, I've basically been planning on going into the Army, but if I don't, then what? Do I revert back to my old goals of becoming a lawyer?

I think in the end, my biggest fear is that if I don't do this, I'll be seen as a quitter, a failure, someone who gives up when the going gets tough...That's why, when I read Mr. Menniger's quote in my file, I felt compelled to post. Has the voice of intelligence in my life been taken away by one of those things - fear, desire, shame, hate, anger, ignorance? Fear that if I don't do this, I'll regret it somehow or fail at it? Desire to do something good with my life that for some reason I feel can only be accomplished in the military? Shame of what others would think of me for quitting, giving up? Hate...okay, I don't know how this one fits in here. Anger towards myself for not being strong enough to buck up and take it like a soldier would? Ignorance of the real harm I'm doing to myself, physically and emotionally?

What's a girl to do? I know I could talk to my recruiter about this, but I'm scared that he'll freak out on me...I really don't know where this is coming from, but I have a pretty good idea...

I'm just sitting here in front of my computer crying because I feel so...lost.

We know where Andy's mojo is, but where's mine?!

“He who has a WHY to live for can endure almost any HOW.”
Friedrich Nietzsche

Well, let’s see…according to my new countdown, I have eleven days left before I get to go to MEPS…yay…Lemme tell y’all something: I CANNOT WAIT UNTIL I SIGN THOSE DAMN PAPERS SO I CAN EAT NORMAL AGAIN!! OMG! I swear I’m living on under 1000 calories a day…In fact, according to http://www.fitday.com, I am! Not smart…and I think it’s seriously catching up to me! This morning, I was up at 0530, no problem…went downstairs and grabbed a banana…checked my weight (same as yesterday morning)…enjoyed the banana and my caffeine pills (hey, it’s 0530! I need something to wake me up!)…Then checked my messages from overnight, and saw one from my friend out in HI (he’s stationed there for now)…Turned out he was online, so we chatted for two damn hours…by the time we got done, I had little moto to hit the running paths, but I did anyway…After all, I was just going for two miles to check my time…and I could feel it…I seriously kept waiting for some old guy to WALK past me this morning…I mean, it was under my personal max-allowable time, but it was also about 45 seconds slower than what I normally consider a slow pace…Overall, I would like to cut a minute and 15 seconds off today’s time prior to shipping out…I know I can do it…It’s simply a matter of gittin’ ‘er done, eh? Easier said than done!

So, I finished my run and headed to the gym to do an addition 45 minutes of cardio on the elliptical…To be quite honest, I’m surprised I finished…It was either my energy levels or my moto, but one of them was sure lagging…one of the aerobic instructors came up to me and told me I look great, and that my coloring is wonderful (fake tan!)…I just laughed…It’s getting harder and harder to take compliments without biting someone’s head off about the stupid Army…hehe…I mean, it’s not like it’s their fault the Army uses archaic measuring methods…There’s about 12-15% difference in body fat percentage between the Army method and a seven-site skinfold test (way more accepted and accurate). Oh well…Just gotta keep on truckin’, eh??

Overall, that’s about the extent of my day’s activities so far…up, run, gym…sit around…hehe…I need to find a job…

Oh well…eleven days and ten pounds and counting!

Status Update

"Satisfaction lies in the effort, not in the attainment, full effort is full victory."
Mahatma Gandhi

So...let's see...where were we last? Oh yeah...Eleven days...Ha...I was unsure if I could process since the 17th was a Saturday, and I found out that it's a non-processing Saturday (sometimes, normally prior to Mission Day, they open up processing on Saturdays)...So, now I hafta wait until that following Tuesday to go down...I guess they had some problems from other stations where recruiters were falling asleep on the drive to/from Chicago, so they've put a new procedure in place...Every Tuesday, a shuttle from Lansing goes to Chicago for those of us "fat" recruits that hafta process through their ARMS program...Anyway...By then, if I drop another 5-10lbs I should actually be under the normal Army regulations anyway, and won't have to go through the ARMS program...But, since Chicago was the MEPS that first DQ'd me, I hafta go back there and process...jerks...But, unlike last visit, I'm not going on Mission Day, so I hopefully will get outta there by 4-5pm Wednesday (hopefully way sooner, depending on if I'm the only one going or not)...My recruiter already told me he's taking me to lunch wherever I wanna go...I told him the Italian Oven and Cold Stone...hehe...So, the countdown now stands at twelve days...blah...Twelve more days of this crappy diet I'm on...I can do it...I can do it...I can do it...Right?? *sigh*

My 'Door'

"Runners, though, don't always seem to be skilled at going through those open doors....it seems like many of us, as runners, spend our entire running lives trying to break through closed doors."
John Bingham

Mornin' y'all...I just had to write because something hit me this morning...I was at the gym after my morning run, doing another 45 minutes of cardio on the elliptical machine...To make the time pass quickly, I was reading the recent issue of Runner's World...In it was an article by Mr. Bingham titled "The Doors." It was about how sometimes, runners can be stubborn and keep gunning for closed doors (like a 25-minute 5K for a 6mph runner or something) instead of accepting the already open doors. Basically, it was a spinoff of the whole, "When one door closes, another door opens" line of thinking. Anywayyy...it got me thinking about things...Maybe that runner mentality of always running into the closed door has kept me going. Always pushing myself towards something seemingly impossible, but I know doors break. People keep telling me I'm stubborn because I'm no matter how many times I keep getting pushed down by the Army, I get back up, dust myself off, and start again. So when I read the above sentence in that article, it just got me thinking about how running has helped me get through a lot of crap. When I'm out running, my mind is gone...it's free to just think about things...and to push myself as hard as I can or want to. It's taught me that the body will overcome pretty much anything, and that most of the time, it's the mind, the spirit, that stops someone from doing his/her best. And, well, my mind is set on joining, so I will continue to push myself until I get there, because I know when I set my mind to something, I pretty much am the only person who can stop myself from achieving it. I will get there...

Eleven days and counting...

You can read Mr. Bingham's article here.

Oh fuck...long overdue update...

"This is my body. And I can do whatever I want to it. I can push it. Study it. Tweak it. Listen to it. Everybody wants to know what I'm on. What am I on? I'm on my bike busting my ass six hours a day. What are you on?"
Lance Armstrong

Okay...haven't updated this in a while, and things have changed...kinda...So, here's the scoop...

Early July:
Finally made everything, according to my recruiters...my measurements and stuff were good to go...so they sent me to MEPS, in Chicago, a 5-6 hr drive...They projected me on Friday for a Monday date to get my physical and sign everything...Leaving that office that day, I cried because for the first time in my life I was finally proud of something that I had done in my life. Forget losing 100lbs...Forget graduating college summa cum laude with two majors and a minor, all in four years...Nope...Didn't compare to what I was feeling as I drove home...Anyway...Went to Chicago on Sunday...one of the other recruiters drove me and two other recruits down there because he was more familiar with the area than my recruiter was...Anyway...Sunday night I spent talking to this really cool guy that was also joining the Army...Was at the MEPS building by 0530 Monday morning...Apparently, the AF had spiffed my records, meaning they took ownership...so, for the next two hours, I spent running back and forth between the Army liason office and the reception area trying to get the Army to get ownership of my records...Finally ended up starting the physical at about 0730...did all the sight/hearing/bloodwork stuff first...Then, they weighed me, and I was over, which I knew I would be...but my measurements should have been good to go...SHOULD HAVE BEEN...the MEPS personnel measured me 2" bigger than what my recruiters had measured on Friday...The placement of their measurement was too low...Anyway...The formula that they use DQ'd me for 68 days...The recruiter I was with was pissed...Making phone calls and everything...Apparently, he got the MEPS people to admit they fucked up my measurement, and they wanted me to stay another night to get re-taped Tuesday...I said "No way!" Mind you, I was hungry, dehydrated, and didn't have clean clothes for another night in Chicago...I hadn't eaten since Saturday except for a salad Sunday night...I wasn't in the best of moods and I wasn't about to let them pressure me into staying another night...Anyway...MY recruiter gets on the phone with me...I was sitting on the floor in the recruiters' lounge because the recruiter I was with (and whose phone I was on) had the cell plugged into the wall to recharge it...Anyway...My recruiter pleads with me to stay another night...Promised to take me out for ice cream when I got back (LOL!)...At that point, I started sobbing...Everything that I had been through finally came to an abrupt halt and I just broke down...I swear, there were 8-10 recruiters in that lounge who all started freaking out about this poor girl on the floor sobbing...The recruiter I was with finally took the phone and I went back out in the main waiting area...I didn't end up staying the night and by the time the other two recruits I went with had processed, it was 0030 TUESDAY morning...At about 0230, we stopped at McDonalds and I got a large fry and a large chocolate (I HATE CHOCOLATE - WTF?!) shake...gone in under 5 minutes...The recruiter was like, "Damn girl, if I had known you were that hungry, I woulda stopped sooner!" I didn't realize how hungry I was...I even bought a gallon of water at the gas station and had a majority of that gone by the time I pulled into my driveway at 0715 TUESDAY morning...That trip totally taught me about the "Hurry up and wait!" military mentality...

ast forward a few weeks later:
My recruiter had mananged to get a courtesy tape at another MEPS to prove that Chicago fucked up...So, off we went...luckily, it was only an hour drive away...I get there...Get measured...FOUR INCHES SMALLER THAN AT CHICAGO! FOUR INCHES!! Anyway...I had also lost about 5 pounds and my upper body measurements were smaller, so I was still technically over...BUT FOUR INCHES!! Damn...Anyway...the Chicago MEPS basically said, "Hey, you're still fat, so you hafta wait out the rest of your 68 day TDQ." Heh...Yay...

Today:
Today marks the 12-day countdown until my 68-day waiting period is over...keep losing a little more weight...the Chicago MEPS originally wanted me to lose 17lbs...I've lost about 7 of that so far...either way, if I'm over, they'll re-tape me...And I've been told repeatedly, if I have a problem with where the MEPS personnel are measuring me (like that I think it's not in the regulation area) SPEAK UP! But be polite about it...

So yeah...that's where I am now...coming to the close of Monday...Tomorrow marks 11 days...Hopefully I can keep up my "Hooah-highspeed" attitude...I'll keep y'all updated...

G'nite y'all! =)

Contact info (in case you have words of encouragement or advice):
AOL IM: Armybrat97b
Yahoo!: wannabesoldier83