Chillaxin'

I don't think I've ever seen 70-80 degree weather, in January, in my whole life...it makes me giggle because I think of all my friends back home where they're lucky if it gets above freezing right now...but then I remember that I'll be back there...blah...Maybe I should move here...

Anyway...I just wanted to write this post to recommend a book that I am currently reading. Of course, this recommendation only applies if you're in, have been, or will be in the military. It's called The Kinder, Gentler Military: How Political Correctness Affects Our Ability to Win Wars by Stephanie Guttman. It's about how weak the training for the military has gotten. VERY GOOD so far...I kinda agree...But that just might be because my personality is a little different then other people's are. I mean, I enjoy getting the shit beat outta me and stuff (okay, not LITERALLY, but I like a nice shove every once in a while!)...So, read it! If I knew my recruiter could read, I'd make him read it...he might get a kick outta it...haha...Speaking of my recruiter, he has once again gone MIA...I don't even think he knows I'm in Texas...My friend wants me to switch to her recruiter...Eh...we'll see where I'm at with everything when I get back home...For now, I'm not even gonna stress about it...yay...=)

...dammit! In my search for the author of that book, I'm finding others I wanna read...Guess they'll be goin' on my Wish List so I remember 'em!!

Leavin' on a Jet Plane

Mountain Dew on your oatmeal!?
My dad just asked me that because I cooked some oatmeal and also had a 2L of DIET Mt. Dew in my hand...He thought I was going to put the Dew on the oatmeal. Gross.

Just to letch'all know I'll be in Texas for the next week (until 20060201). I'm excited. I can run outside again!! Haha...anyway...when I return, I've decided I'm packing a bag, and then hitting the recruiter's office and tell him to put me boots. That way, whenever a slot for my MOS popups, I'll be GTG!.

Anyway, Imma look like a total tool at the airport. Army hoodie. Army DEP bag. Army water bottle. Christ, get me a pair of ACUs to complete the ensemble. =) Soon...

Crying

"I've never seen someone so miserable that has a lot going for her."
Jay

I think that's what made me cry. So I'm sitting here, with tears streaming down my face, because he's right. In a way. Sure, I have a lot going for me, but none of it is what I want. I hate having goals that seem so out-of-reach some days, and then within my grasp the next. Someone is mind-fucking me! Ha...Ya know...I've dealt with so much shit trying to get into the Army, but do I give up? No. Why? I should, apparently. Any reasonable person would. Any normal person would. But guess what! I'm not normal, and I'm not reasonable when it comes to getting something I want. Yeah, the Army is kinda fucked with their regulations and the bureacratic red tape, but at least I'm not joining NOT knowing this shit. I go through all this shit because it's what I want. "Nothing worthwhile in life is easy." People tell me I'll be disappointed and all that because I've put in so much effort and all that to achieving this, but I disagree. I want this. Really. Nothing in life is completely, 100% stress-free.

I have a vacation coming up. Texas. Away from Midland. Away from Michigan. Away from the people most negative about me joining. I mean, I've had people tell me, "Chelsea, I'm glad you didn't go." I AM NOT GLAD. Don't get me wrong, I love (most of) my family and my friends...but, they don't provide with something that my life is missing. They don't give me a reason to live, ya know? They don't give my life purpose...meaning. Serving my country, doing a job that actually serves a purpose beyond myself - that does. To wake up and know that, sure, it may be a shitty day or week or month or year, but dammit, it's a good thing overall.

Done. Perhaps I need to go for a good run.

Random Shoutout

No quote, nothing...just a random shoutout or two!!!

CHECK HIS BLOG, Y'ALL!!

...hah...Just because he mine under "People I enjoy reading because I like their stories" and I feel kinda honored...*blush*...That, and I'm hyper as fuck right now...Going out again tonight...yay!! Stay tuned tomorrow for more funny drunk stories!! Hah...or not. I guess only tomorrow knows, eh??

AND...another shoutout to "Recruiter" (dunno his name or anything)...according to my stat counter, I get a lot of visitors from his page, as well...

READ HIS BLOG, TOO, Y'ALL!!

Maybe I'm just showing recruiter appreciation...I mean, I mighta been drunk last night, but I let Sarn't know that I appreciate what he does and stuff...so...yeah...recruiters are Soldiers, too, ya know! =)

...speaking of my stat counter, it's interesting to see where people are reading from...like, there's someone that's read my blog from Ft. Jackson...that's scary...what if it's a Drill Sergeant!? And when I enlist, I get sent to Jackson, and this Drill Sergeant recognizes me!?!?!? Haha...one word: PARANOID. =)

Follow Your Heart

"I am proud of my Country and its flag. I want to look back and say that I am proud to have served my Country as a soldier."
Last line of the Soldier's Code

Whenever someone comes to me for advice, I always end up telling the same thing - follow your heart. It's time for me to take my own advice.

Lately, people have come up to me and asked me why I'm still around...I tell that what happened with my reno and everything, and they get all pissed and stuff. THEY'RE PISSED!?!? How do they think I feel?? But then, I just shake my head and tell them, "Hey, if I didn't want this more than anything in my life, I would give up and get a civie job." They then shake THEIR heads and walk away, saddened it seems, by some college-educated girl who they think is wasting her life by enlisting in the military. I'm sick of explaining myself to people. Like I told my recruiter, there is nothing in my life that I've done that has produced the same feeling that enlisting has. I'm sure the next time I feel that will be on the parade deck at BCT graduation, when I can finally actually say I'm officially a soldier. Sure, that's been postponed, but I've gone through the motions of anger and frustration, took the weekend off (okay, slept the weekend off), and started back full-steam ahead Monday morning. There really are no words for how proud I am to be an American, and that sounds so corny and crap, but it's true. Yeah, there are things about the US that I hate, but I've studied enough politics to know that we have it way better than most countries around the world.

I have been been delayed, but I have not been deterred from reaching my goals. I will be a Soldier and I will make my country proud of me.

Okay...done rambling...Just felt like getting that off my chest.

A Dream Deferred

“Take away the right to say ‘fuck’ and you take away the right to say ‘fuck the government.’”
- Lenny Bruce


Haha, or fuck the Army, as seems to be my current saying...

I guess I'm kinda ambivilant about my feelings toward serving right now. This past week has been a nightmare. I mean, honestly, does anyone know what it feels like to have someone else come around and fuck with you enough to make you reconsider something that was a lifelong goal?? I feel totally lost right now with my life. I have no idea what's going on...and yeah, I'm whining - shut the fuck up, it's my damn blog and I'll do as I please...haha...

Anyway...I lost my claddah ring, which kinda pisses me off because it was from my grandmother, and she's no longer here...I'm not quite sure why I'm writing this entry - I think it's just so I could use that cool quote. Dunno.

Well I Did It

"If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything."
Unknown


This is the email I sent to my recruiter earlier today...haven't heard back...kinda nervous...Can't wait for the threats of fines and jail time...haha...BRING IT ON...=)

Hey…

First and foremost, do not underestimate my desire to serve my country, particularly in the Army. If I didn’t truly want this, I wouldn’t have busted my ass for the past two years, at least, to try and get in. If you doubt my commitment, you are more than welcome to come to the gym and talk to the scores of people who would prefer that I not join and who have talked with me and seen what I’ve put myself through for this. Trust me, dealing with getting constantly accused of having an eating disorder, or throwing my life away, or one of the many other accusations I’ve had thrown at me, is not fun.

However, I do have to put myself first in this whole thing and look out for my future and what I want to do. That being said, I do not want to ship next week unless I have, in my contract, that my MOS will be 37F (PSYOPS). When I signed for 96B (Intel Analyst) it was with the understanding that SFC. E would help me renegotiate my contract to get an MOS I wanted. On the second trip down to Chicago, after I had refused to sign for any other jobs, E had called the MEPS and talked to me. He told just to sign for SOMETHING and that he would work on a reno for me. So, on my third trip, that’s what I did – signed for something under the impression that E would help me out. Now I feel a bit…screwed, to say the least.

I have in front of me various paths I could take in my life. I could go on to get my Masters degree, my Juris Doctorate, or my Doctorate in Philosophy. I could apply for the FBI, CIA, or any other numerous agencies and start from the bottom. I have a Bachelors degree and graduated with the highest honors – there’s a world of opportunities available to me if I wanted. If I wanted. That’s the key – want. As I said before, what I want is to serve my country and do something in my life that I can be proud of. There are things I’ve accomplished that I should be proud of doing – losing all the weight I did, getting a full-tuition scholarship, graduating with top honors in four years with a double major and a minor. But none of that, or anything else I’ve done in my life, has produced the feeling of pride and accomplishment that taking the enlistment oath that I felt. Understand?

I also want you to know that I appreciate so much what you and SFC. Brown have done for me. I mean that. I wish there were stronger words to express my gratitude to you. Regardless of it being your job, you’re one of a VERY SMALL pool of people who have supported my decision to enlist.

I don’t know what exactly I’m supposed to do at this point. I don’t want to screw up any chance I have of re-enlisting at some point, but I also don’t want to ship without a guarantee of PSYOPS or even OCS at this point. Nor am I going to ship on the premise that my reno MAY come through while I’m in Basic. Like I said, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do at this point, but I do know that E cannot force me to ship, which I feel he’s going to try and tell me that I do.

Frustrated, Angry, Pissed, Upset, Disgusted, Unmotivated, Undisciplined, UNCHELSEA

“The basic difference between an ordinary man and a warrior is that a warrior takes everything as a challenge, while an ordinary man takes everything as a blessing or a curse.”
--Carlos Castaneda

Yeah, that's me right now. Everything. I broke down at the gym today...Some of the shit I'm taking to help me drop weight has fucked with my CV conditioning, and I can barely run a mile without dropping...I used to run 5, no problem! WTF!?! So, about seven minutes into my cardio, I fuckin' pounded the 'Stop' button on the treadmill, ran into the bathroom, and broke down. Stood there staring at myself in the mirror, completely disgusted and frustrated with myself. What the fuck happened to the girl who used to love running and working out and all that good shit!? What happened to my muscles!? There is no word in the Englist language strong enough to accurately describe how much I hate myself right now. I FUCKING SHIP IN 12 DAYS AND I HAFTA DROP 18 (YES, EIGHTEEN) POUNDS OR ELSE I DON'T LEAVE AND GET DEP-DROPPED. Shoot me now. I know I CAN do...if my body were willing to cooperate with me.

It's Hockey Day in Canada (Yes 'Day' and not just 'Night'), so I think I might crawl into bed and just watch hockey and sleep.

Two weeks...

I'd sure hate to break down here
Nothin up ahead or in the rear-view mirror
Out in the middle of nowhere knowin
I'm in trouble if these wheels stop rollin
God help me keep me movin somehow
Don't let me start wishin I was with now
I've made it this far without cryin a single tear
I'd sure hate to break down here
- Julie Roberts, "Break Down Here"

So, yeah, that's kinda what I did last night. Broke down. Mentally. Kinda. Hah...I was talkin' to a few people, and it just kept pissing me off...I bust my ass for shit, and see very little in way of return on investion stuff...Know what I mean?? I diet, I run, I workout like a mofo...I'm probably in better shape than 85% of the new recruits, but because I'm built differently, I'm 'overweight' and yadda yadda yadda...Poor Jay and Brandy...I feel bad for whining to them last night...

Anyway...Down 6lbs...So, that's good...Right? Hah...yeah...I decided today to take the day off and give myself a break...I need it...I just wanna curl in bed and sleep, but...

...TODAY IS MY LAST DAY AT WORK!!!! That should be fun...hah...Righhhtttt...I picked up a buncha boxes last night from work to pack some stuff up...It's getting closer...14 days from today...My SC called yesterday and left me a voicemail...Said it was nothing important and he just wanted to see how I was doing, blah blah blah! C'MON MOFO! What about my reno!?!? Dammit...I dunno...Seriously...And where the hell is my recruiter!? I don't wanna talk to my damn SC...*sigh*